Andrew. 19. "The World is Quiet Here."
This is more of praise than an ask, Keep it up, keep trying, keep your head up and one day you'll see a light at the end of the tunnel, and it'll all just be a part of the past.Anonymous
Thank you so much for your support.
It’s really not easy being sober forever. Thank you for the lovely questions. I’m assuming you’re the same anon who asked me if I had any ‘tumblr friends’ ?
I think I just found one more?
Why do you do drugs? I'm not reprimanding you or anything, I'm just curious.Anonymous
I used to do drugs because I liked how they made me feel. Each drug was a little different, but the outcome was still the same once I got high. I was no longer myself under the influence, and it felt good to not have to deal with pain or tragedy that I had to when I was sober.
When you’re high the only thing that worries you is when you come crashing back down.
What did you do last summer? I saw your 'summer pt1 & 2' btwAnonymous
LOL well if you saw my pt. 1 and 2 then you know what I did last summer.
I spent the year of 2013 getting fucked up in an attempt to bury and numb myself to things that I didn’t want to face. I wasn’t able to live life on life’s terms so I was just reckless.
One of my best friends had gotten in an accident and passed away, may he rest in peace, and that was what started it. I couldn’t really deal with some misplaced guilt I had, but I don’t really wanna get into that. I stopped going to school. I started to get back into LSD.
"I tripped to make the fall shorter, fall quarter was just a tall order."
On top of that, my co-dependent-ex-girlfriend who was my girlfriend at the time… well let’s just say things went south. I started to get angry after the break-up. It was the night before Valentine’s day. I remember being so mad for all the time I wasted. For making the wrong choice. For sacrificing my happiness for 2 years to make sure someone else was happy, when I never took care of myself. I was mad and scared.
Scared I wouldn’t be able to be with the one person who had always been there for me. That she wouldn’t want to be with me after I had chosen my ex over her one night.
My summer started early, around May. I was invited to my friend Zach’s house cause he was setting up some hookah and we hadn’t talked since he graduated high school ahead of me. The next day I was invited again, I brought my best friend Matt over and it turns out he hung out with them freshman and sophomore year, then when they graduated we kicked it every day during junior and senior year.
The rest is history.
I started rolling again.
In my head it was like “Well fine, fuck her. The drug that ruined her life is going to be the very thing that makes me feel better.” And the good times rolled.
Taking ecstasy 3-5 times a week is not recommended if you’re already in a bad way in your head. You become dependent. You chase the happiness that you can only get when your serotonin receptors are firing off at a million times a second. Where even the feel of your own fingertips on your skin makes you get goosebumps and shivers up your spine. Deep breaths, stay hydrated, try not to clench your jaw,
smoke another cigarette,
smoke another snap,
take another dab,
pound another 40,
take another shot,
gum that pill this time,
snort that pill this time,
fuck it just swallow them whole at this point,
take a drop of acid,
Watch the world unfold around you. Try to stop thinking about everything at once.
I saw things this year. Experienced. Felt.
and still I was no wiser than when I had started.
I remember hardly eating, and being broke. Chasing highs and trying to get my life back together before I came crashing back down to sobriety and I’d have to do it all over again.
I remember the only thing that would keep me going were my older friends telling me “Damn, I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who could hang like you could.” See the fucked up thing about being dependent on drugs is that when your drug usage gets validated by other people, you only go harder.
When summer was over I took a semester off in September. I went to San Diego and checked myself into rehab. I met so many other guys in that small house on E Street. I heard so many life stories, watched grown men cry, I met people who had hit bottom and they were here getting better and putting their life together. Their strength showed me something. They were open with me, let me share my story, they listened.
They helped make a little guy feel 100 feet tall.
I spent my summer of 2013 slowly killing myself in a downward spiraling drug binge. But, as for the rest of my life? It’s only looking up.